Dear Citizen Bacillus, Greeting:

Due to the recent Emergency your Government has mandated that making you safe is a top priority of Homeland Security. In these days of tension and strife, WE are vigilant in tracking and capturing the cabal of International Terrorists that threaten US all. As efficient security in airports has led to a greater sense of safety and security in OUR airports which are now efficient, accuate and fast. However, WE know that the threat of terror is still ever present danger in our lives. But the ever present danger has shown that a National ID Card for Citizens is absolutely necessary for the safety of OUR Government and Industry. The President has signed the USA National Identity Act, and everyone is expected to be carded before the end of the year.

You need not worry, Citizen Bacillus, if you have nothing to hide. We're glad you're willing to voluntarily accept your USA National Identity Card and our tracking computer implants, and you're willing to give up even more of your personal information than what is available on your State Driver's License. We now need to protect the Government and the People from Evil Doers, Wicked Terrorists, and our own citizens ! To make things more simple so that you can understand it: We now need to protect the government from its inhabitants. WE need to make sure you really don't have anything to hide ! What do you mean you didn't volunteer ?!? Of course you volunteered - volunteering is the Patriotic Thing to do, after all, it's your Civic Duty !! WE have your name don't WE ?...

Besides, you'll get a nice laminated Citizen Federal ID Card, just like a Green Card, so WE can classify you by the criteria we choose, globally track you anywhere you go, know what you bought and ration your consumption, and restrict your freedom of movement. Why, WE'll be able to control your life in ways you haven't even dreamed of or imagined in your wildest dreams ! But, you won't be able to personally use that same technology that will help US find you, Citizen Bacillus, or help you in what personal life we've decided to leave to you. After all The ID Card (TM)" is not meant, nor will it ever make, your life any easier ! See, Citizen Bacillus , WE must show the Public we're doing Something about the Clear and Present Danger, even if we're really not doing much of anything of any worth, or we're doing other things that actually impede any real progress ! This is all your faultCitizen Bacillus, after all, we are a Democracy. WE need some "Usual Suspects" to harass, hold for questioning, arrest, and spirit out of the country where our Constitution doesn't apply. You've been volunteered, Citizen Bacillus - even if you think your innocent, We know otherwise, for you must have done Something to warrant our attention !...

Dear Citizen Bacillus, GREETING: It says here that you haven't been to an Authorized State Church in the last month, and that you weren't seen offering Appoved Prayer at work, and that you're a Muslim. As Everyone Knows, WE aren't against nor do we want to single out Muslims or Arabs for persecution ! That would be profiling, so we have to check Everyone ! Besides, we're only after BAD, EVIL TERRORISTS - it's just too bad that your ilk look like like terrorists, er,.. Arabs and have the same beliefs that they do. WE have repeated this message 10's of 1000's of times, haven't WE ? What do you mean you don't believe US ? Are YOU a Terrorist ? Yes, you DO look suspicous ! WE'll have to make a note about this on your Card !

Do WE care that such a stain on your record will void your security clearances, cause other unfavorable circumstances for you at your job or at home, or get you fired from your high paying job for NO REASON AT ALL ! In that event, it needs to be fully documented on you card by your LAST employer, so you'll not only not ever get a job like the one you just had, but you won't get any kind responsible job ever again - or any job ever again ! You should be well assured that WE'd never misuse this information, nor will it ever be sold to our greedy capitalist contributors and special interests, lost or stolen. Besides, WE're the Government, so we're NOT responsible, and you can't even sue us unless WE allow you to.

Sorry Citizen Bacillius, the members of your Ilk, er, Class can't leave your Work or Housing Zones. That's a nasty comment, Citizen ! WE'll just have to update your Card to reflect that you're only qualified to be an Egg-Grader 3st Class. What do you mean you're not an Egg-Grader, Egg-Grading has been automated for years, and you can't find a job as an Egg Grader anywhere ? You know already that WE can't change the status of your Card without proper authorization, and NO, I have no authorization to apply for the correct authorization to authorize a change in your Card. Besides, Citizen Bacillus, WE don't make mistakes ! WE're sorry that this information upsets you, Citizen, and it indeed might indeed be incorrect, but we can't just take your word for it, can WE ? You'll just have to come back with better proof ! Why, thank you for your generous gratuity, Citizen Bacillius, maybe something can be done for you after all.

Your card shows you made purchases that the Politically Correct don't approve of, hate, or just dislike or some petty Authority or selfrighteous Reformer has gotten banned, or might want to get banned in the future - Shame on you !. You haven't bought your alloted quota of consumer goods, Citizen Bacillus, what are you some kind of Socialist ? Loyal Citizens of the Consumer Class must buy their quota of Consumer Class Merchandise so WE can have a healthy Economy (GNP). WE expect you to make up your purchase deficits within five, four, three, two, one month(s) or you will be alloted additional purchases as compensation to the Loyal Members of the Business and Merchantile Classes.

You've just bought a gun, Citizen Bacillus ! Are you afraid of something, Boy ? Upstanding and loyal citizens don't need to have guns anymore, that's a relic of our unregulated past. You are safe; haven't you heard us say that ? Surely you understand that you ought to be grateful because WE're just confiscating it, and not taking you Downtown - this time. You are a Loyal Citizen, aren't you , Citizen Bacillus ? I don't like your looks, or care for your demeanor and attitude, Citizen Bacillus ! Are you a Trouble Maker, Citizen Bacillus ? We know what to do with people of your Ilk ! I think you need some time in one of our Reeducational Facilities to reflect on your stated social, religious or political attitudes ! You are in favor of Education, aren't you ? Let US make a notation on your Card about that...

Are you "Normal", Citizen Bacillus, or do you frequent places believed by our criminal stoolies, finks, self-righteous stooges, Secret Police and Socially Conscious PC Informers to be "suspicious" ? In fact, One of Our Dime-Droppers claims he saw someone who looks alot like you write "Peace Now !" on a wall and we might consider that to be a felony, Boy ! WE'll need to read your card to know where you've been, what you read and who you've been with, what you buy ! Why, we don't even have to ask you to take it out of your wallet anymore, isn't that convienent ! Yes, you're still Innocent until proven Guilty unless you have no money or don't know A Very Important Personage ! However, We've decided that this Speedy Trial nonsense is impeding the War Effort. You may soon expect a short stay at Hotel Guantanamo, Citizen Bacillus, a luxurious resort town in OUR part of Cuba. NO, WE won't compensate you because WE framed you and sent you to there for an indeterminate number of years by describing you as a material witness in a case we may get around to filing someday...

Have a nice day, Citizen Bacillus
Homeland Security

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