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From Under the Editor's Rock | |
Due to the Recent Emergency your Government has mandated that making you safe is a top priority of Homeland Security. In these days of tension and strife, WE are vigilant in tracking and capturing the cabal of International Terrorists that threaten US all. As efficient security in airports has led to a greater sense of safety and security in OUR airports which are now efficient, accurate and fast. However, WE know that the threat of Terror is still an ever present danger in OUR lives, and the ever present danger has shown that a National ID Card for Citizens is absolutely necessary for the safety of OUR Government and Industry. The President has signed the USA National Identity Act, and everyone is expected to be carded before the end of the year.
You need not worry, Citizen Bacillus, if you have nothing to hide. We're glad you're willing to voluntarily accept your USA National Identity Card with our built in FRED ("Federal Reserve Electronic Debit") Card, and you're willing to give up far more of your personal information than what is available on your old State Driver's License. We now need to protect the Government and the People from Evil Doers, Wicked Terrorists, and our very own citizens! To make things more simple so that you can understand it: now WE need to protect the Government from its inhabitants. WE need to make sure you really don't have anything to hide! What do you mean you didn't volunteer?!? Of course you volunteered - volunteering is the Patriotic Thing to do, after all, it is your Civic Duty!! WE have your name don't WE?...
Besides, you'll get a nice nifty laminated Federal Citizen ID Card. It's more sophisticaed than a Green Card, so WE can classify you by any criteria we choose, globally track you anywhere you go, know whether you bought your mandated monthly rations, and restrict your freedom of movement. Why, WE'LL be able to control your life in ways you haven't even dreamed of or imagined in your wildest dreams! But, you won't be able to personally use that same technology that will help US find you, Citizen Bacillus, or to help you in what personal life WE'VE decided to leave to you in any way. After all The National ID Card (TM)" is not meant to, nor will it ever make, your life any easier, we guarantee it!
See, Citizen Bacillus , WE must show the Public WE'RE doing Something about the Clear and Present Danger(s), even if WE'RE really not doing much of anything of any worth, and WE'RE doing alot of other things that will actually impede any real progress, but that's OUR concern - not yours! This is all your fault Citizen Bacillus, after all, WE are a Democracy. WE'LL need some "Usual Suspects" to harass, hold for questioning, arrest, and spirit out of the country to places where our obsolete Constitution doesn't apply, and you just might just fit in with what WE need. You've been volunteered, Citizen Bacillus - even if you think your innocent, WE know otherwise, for you must have done Something to warrant OUR attention to your case!...
What do you mean "Do WE care that such a stain on your record will void your security clearances, cause other unfavorable circumstances for you at your job or at home, or get you fired from your high paying job for NO REASON AT ALL?" In that event, WE need to be fully document that on you card by your LAST employer, so you'll not only not ever get a job like the one you just had, but you won't get any kind of responsible job, or any job ever again! You should be well assured that WE'D Never misuse this information, nor will WE ever be sell it to OUR Multinational greedy Fascist Capitalist contributors and the Special Interests at rock bottom prices, nor will they ever be lost or stolen. Besides, WE'RE the Government, so we're NOT responsible, and you can't even sue US unless WE allow you to...
Your card shows you made purchases that the Politically Correct don't approve of, hate, or just dislike, or you've done something some petty Authority or self-righteous Reformer has gotten banned, or might want to get banned in the future - Shame on you!. You also haven't bought your alloted quota of consumer goods, Citizen Bacillus, what are you some kind of Communist or Socialist? Loyal Citizens of the Consumer Class have had to buy their government quota of Health Insurance for years. so there's ample precedent. So, you must buy your quota of Consumer Class Merchandise so WE can have a healthy Economy (GNP). WE expect you to make up your purchase deficits within Six Five Four three two one month(s) and you will be alloted an additional quota of purchases as compensation to the Loyal Members of the Business and Merchantile Classes you are required to buy from...
Have a nice day, Citizen Bacillus
Homeland Security