Sex Quips

By Anonymous

• I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
        --  Steve Martin

• What do I know about sex? I'm a married man.
        --  Tom Clancy

• You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
        --  Drew Carey

• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good.
        --  Woody Allen

• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
        --  Unknown

• If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
        --  Rodney Dangerfield

• My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.
        --  Bill Kelly

• As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen.
        --  Rev. Sydney Smith

• Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
        --  Woody Allen

• Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children.
        --  Sam Austin

• I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
        --  George Burns

• It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
        --  Matt Barry

• Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.
        --  Camille Paglia

• Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
        --  Unknown

• My kid had sex with your honor student.
        --  Bumper Sticker

• My sexual preference is not you.
        --  Tshirt

• Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
        --  Michael Sin

• Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
        --  Woody Allen

• Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
        --  George Burns

• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
        --  Henry Miller

• The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.
        --  Lynn Lavner

• There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
        --  P. J. O'Rourke

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• Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know'.
        --  Kenneth Starr, on the CBS TV program 60 Minutes.

• When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
        --  Matt Groening.

• Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
        --  Billy Crystal

• For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks.
        --  George Bush

• Life is a sexually transmitted terminal illness.

• I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

• Men and women, all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements.

• If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm -- all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction: "I was first.", "Let me through.", "You’re on my tail.", "That’s my spot." We’re like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool:
       "Well, who’s it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I’m not swimming anywhere."
        --  Jerry Seinfeld, SeinLanguage, Bantam Books (1993)

• Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

•  Men are unsexed by failure, women by success.

• Infatuation is when you think that he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Connors.

• Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger, and nothing like Robert Redford -- but you'll take him anyway.
        --  Presented by The Friars Club

• Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
        --  Woody Allen